As every husband out there knows, there are some questions that you can’t answer. Oh sure, you know the answer, but no matter what you say you’re in trouble. I’m not talking about “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” questions. That’s an easy answer. (Guys, if you’re struggling with that one, you need more help than I can give you.) I’m talking about questions like “You think she’s pretty, don’t you?”.
How do you answer that? If you say that you don’t think she’s pretty, your wife will immediately suspect you of trying to hide something. If you say that you do think she’s pretty, then you’re in trouble for looking at another woman. My solution is to deflect the subject, usually along the lines of “Are those new jeans, honey? They look great, but you really need some better shoes to go with them. Or maybe a new purse. Or maybe shoes and a purse.” It can be costly, but it’s cheaper than couples therapy, and easier on your back than sleeping on the sofa.
At a recent family reunion, a group of us were sitting around playing a game. I’m not much of a fan of organized activities, but joined in. We were divided into two teams, and the point of the game was that one person on the team looked at a word and then tried to get the other people on their team to guess the word. The clue giver could say anything except the word itself. My wife and I were on the same team, and it was her turn to give clues, so she looked at the card for a moment, thought and then hit the timer.
“This is what you get when you go to a strip club.”
I’m not kidding. That’s what she said. My brain shifted into high gear and a flurry of options ran through it. First, let me make it perfectly clear that I have never been to a strip club, but I think I know what goes on there. But if I start running off a list of things, my wife and her family are going to think I frequent strip clubs. So I did the smart thing. I didn’t say a word. Which of course prompted her to continue giving clues.
“You have to pay for it.”
I’m thinking that doesn’t really narrow it down any, since I’ve always been under the assumption that nothing in a strip club is free. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that if it was free they would need bigger parking lots. By now, I’m sweating rather profusely and focusing my brainpower to will the timer to move faster.
“Oh, come on,” she says. Just perfect. She’s getting mad at me because I can’t figure out what you pay for in a strip club. I’ve got to say something.
“Are those new jeans, honey?”
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The timer finally went off.
“Lap! The word was lap!”
Now I’m totally confused. She rolls her eyes.
“As in lap dance.”
Suddenly I’ve got questions, like why “lap dance” was the first thing she thought of when she saw the word. Or why she expected me to know all about strip clubs. Or even worse, why she’s mad at me because my mind didn’t go straight to “lap dance”.
I started to tell her that if she had said “our dog likes to sit in your…”, I’d have said “lap” in about half a second. I thought better of it though, and just told her that I’d do more research before we played another game. I just won’t tell her that I think they’re pretty.